News From Ill Bethisad: 2002

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THE SUN, Monday, December 2, 2002. Larry Nivven, Staff Writer.

LONDON. A story reported last month in The Sun has exploded into the international Press this week after German Sciences Minister Emereich Stolzel boggled the world with the news that his country launched a rocket into space and placed an artificial satellite into Earth orbit.

No one in the Press believed The Sun when it preinted this "unfounded rumour," but Stolzels admission was recently corroborated by a BOAC crew who witnessed the night time launch while on a return trip from India. A German newsreel, which captured the August launch from an undisclosed location in Crimea, is scheduled to air this Friday on every radio and televiosion netweork in Europe and America, if not the entire world.

The French, who have been talking about forming a rocket programme for some years have suddenly announced a scheme to get a rocket into space, with cosmonauts aboard, then to the Moon and back to Earth again safely by decades end. The Irish and Dalmatians, never ones to be left behind in technical matters have announced that they have joined forces with the French on this project. Allegations that the announcement was made in response to imminent Impeachment Hearings against the French President were denied by the French Government.

World scientific opinion varies. The New England Journal of Physicks has condemned this as a "waste of time, treasure and manpower. It is a folly of the highest order;" while the Boston Globe reports that MIT has characterised this "frightening agglomeration of French burocracy, Dalmatian pseudoscience and Irish druidry" as a project "doomed to fiery failure."

Cornwalls feisty new Governor and High King, Gereint ix, who was summoned before the Welsh Senate at Caerleon for his recent escapades in France, in turn lambasted Britains scientific prowess in the face of recent developments: "Blasted foreigners the lot of them! How is it that the mighty British Commonwealth sits back while Germany, Dalmatia and even France stride forward, proudly into the twenty-first century? It seems that more than just bringing my own little kingdom into the twentieth century, as I first had planned, but it now seems that I'll have to bring the rest of Kemr and even the Federation along with us!"

In an interview with The Sun, the new king said of recent British scientific advances: "What advances would those be? Long has it been since every scientific journal and text book blazed with the glories of British scientific and engineering pioneers like Trevitheck, Boyle and Newton. Now the names are all foreign like Tesla, Beuchamp and O Malley!" When asked if Britain then should pursue its own rocket programme, he replied: "Blessed Gods, why should we want to waste the energy on that? The rest of Europe long ago outpaced us on that front. We should consider our strengths and work from that basis. England and Scotland are tops in geology and archaeology; Kemr and Dumnonea have long been preeminent in medicine and biology. None can compare favourably. I'll wager a penny to a pound that not one of those rocket happy engineers have considered the effect of rocket travel on the body and mind. They'll be after our physicians before too long and our biology labs to sort it all out and give them the solutions they need."

When asked to comment on the German feat, Fiona Blanc of Glastein Universitys Department of Physics said that the feat itself wasn't that difficult. All the Germans had to do was dust off and modify the old Reichs V-2 rocket and V-4 warhead delivery platform, both of which were proven over Britain and France during the War. According to the history department, the real feat was for the dismantled and decentralised postwar Germany to put together the money and manpower to even accomplish the task.

When asked to speculate on the Irish-French-Dalmatian project, Blanc expressed confidence that they would be successful: "Ireland and Dalmatia are leaders in the hard sciences and engineering. There's hardly a modern system or device, like the quick cook oven or the wireless telephone exchange, that hasn't in some way been touched one of those countries." When asked if future cosmonauts would find people on the Moon or Mars, Blanc said she didn't know, but that if there were people on the Moon, she hoped they would "be impressed by the spirit of international cooperation" evinced by the new rocket programme.[PB]

LA SUL, Sunday, November 24, 2002.

YSCA. An air of riotous celebration still fills every Dumnonian city street and village green. Surely the Gods have favoured Dumnonian causes since revealing the Infamy and Trechery of the illegally elected Cintamurios to our Highkingship; and have granted Victory to the honourable fitz Mynnig of Durrow.

Glastein, seat of the Christian Abbot, and Ysca our fair capital have as expected outdone the whole Kingdom for pomp and ceremony during the coronation rites in Glastein last week. Christians, Moors, Jews and Pagans of all stripes came together in brotherhood for the coronation itself, and the parades and parties held afterward long into the night. Many town bands descended on Glastein to play for the new High King; and surely Trevy's rendition of "King for the Day" stole the show (particularly their unorthodox use of four ophicleids in place of the tuba). At Ysca, the children of the town paraded down the main streets dressed in traditional costume and food was offered to the public for free in honour of the new King.

Celebration was not restricted to Dumnonia, though, as Gereint IX surprised us all by travelling in secret to our sisterland of Brittany and was crowned again at Dol. This unexpected event set the whole duchy on its head; and the poor duke, Mr. Grandsire, was unable to contain the joy of the populace. We hear that he has been replaced.

We recently had the great honour and pleasure of an interview with our new King, and we discussed two main topics: the unexpected coronation in Brittany and the future of the Province. Regarding the former, he said: "The Kingdom has never recognised the Treaty of Union of 1532; we are therefore within our rights to crown our kings in both lands as is our tradition." Regarding the uproar caused in Paris, he said: "It is unfortunate that they can not respect the traditions of the minorities within their borders. This has always been a problem with the northern Gauls; but we can not let them dictate the terms of our own relationships with our bretheren in Brittany." On the future of Dumnonia, he said: "Dumnonia is a third world country. Our brothers in the Islands find no end of mirth in our position as Poorest Country in Europe; and with just cause. It is only because of the monetary union between Dûnein and Kemr that keeps the value of our pound from dropping straight down the privy. Most of our citizens do not have access to essential infrastructure - plumbing and so forth. We no longer have a viable home industry. Dumnonia is a land of glorious history: our ancestors not only built the great railways of Kemr and England, but we invented the bloody thing. Our explorers went overseas with Kemrese, French and Englishmen. Our doctors of old performed the first blood transfusions. But what have we done lately? What we in Government have done lately is squabble over how to spell words in our own language - and it seems we have largely lost that language this past century. Our industry of old, mining, is now defunct. Our scientists and doctors live in London, Paris, Edinbro. Our future lies in taking this third world backwater and pushing it into the 21st century before that century, too, passes us by." On the future of Dumnonian industry, he said: "We do not wish to spoil our country with factories and suchlike all over, like they have in England; but some form of industry must be developped in order to make us more profitable and secure. The Kingdom has already taken some steps towards welcomming the computer industry; it is my goal to make the Kingdom a haven for the electronics industry. We have quite a few old factories and mines and such that sit derelict - we could easily restore them and house new industries within them. We have traditionally been a tourist haven; but the modern European does not want to hire a room in a posh hotel, only to find that he must squat over a hundred and fifty year old porcelain bucket that doesn't flush. If he wants that sort of adventure, he will travel to Spain or similar. It is also my intention to develop the Ecotourism trade in the Kingdom. We have huge tracts of waste and moor filled with wildlife of all sorts, just waiting for someone to hike there. It is my understanding that Americans are keen on this Ecotourism; and by Jove if they're willing to brave the jungles of Central America, they should go positively ape over the unspoilt wonders of Bodmin Moor."

Some hard words, to be sure - and not a few of them levelled at the Provincial Government; and it looks as though our new King is willing to lead us where previous Kings have feared to tread. Long live the King![PB]

CAMBRIA IN REVIEW, November 24, 2002.

LONDON. In the aftermath of coronation celebrations across the Duchy of Cornouaille and antiregime protests in Paris, the Duke of Corouaille, the illustrous Msr. Jean-Marc Grandsire has been recalled to Paris by the French President and has been relieved of all duties. As of yet, no replacement has been named, but sources within the French Government state that the new duke will not allow such an uproar to occur during his watch.[PB]

APD NEWS: REYKJAVIK, Scandinavian Union. November 22, 2002.

THE WAR IS OVER! -- Dalmatian Prime Minister Aurial Ybl has signed a ceasefire agreement with Sanjaki Revolutionary Council headman Ajatallah Mustafa Izetbegovic, putting an end to the year-and-a-half long war between the two countries. The ceasefire is effective immediately, and all forces are to be withdrawn to their pre-war positions within the week. Prime Minister Ybl has expressed hopes that this ceasefire treaty will be the basis for creating a permanent peace between the two countries. Ajatallah Izetbegovic said he is pleased to have ended the war. Reports comming out of Sanjak during the last few months of the war have painted a picture of popular discontent with the war, which had taken a turn for the worse for the Islamic republic. Defence analysts are of the opinion that Sanjak would not have been able to hold out for more than another month, and that the ceasefire was Izetbegovics only remaining option if he wished to avoid a popular revolt.[FGV]

APD NEWS: LÜDERITZ, Kongo. November 22, 2002.

It would seem that a new world record has been set in Kongo for highest-scoring top-level football match after Vorwärts Lüderitz defeated Kinszasa Dinamo 149:0 in a Kongo Premier League match last Saturday. Kinszasa Dinamo coach Biszencu N'dema, who led the side to last seasons national championship title, was reportedly livid at the "biased" officiating of the referee early in the game and ordered his players to score as many own goals as they could, scoring 149 own goals in 80 minutes of play. Vorwärts Lüderitz players stood about looking bemused, doing nothing to prevent Dinamo's implosion. The Kongolese Football Federation has since fined Dinamo 3100 KFA xenars (775 Dalmatian xenars). In addition they have fined coach N'dema 200 KFA xenars (50 Dalmatian xenars) and have deducted 9 points from Dinamo, dropping the side to 13th place in the 15-team league.[FGV]

BBC OVERSEAS BUREAU. November 20, 2002. Convicted Murderer Sues Jail Because He Can't Sleep

Winipeg, Les Plaines (NAL) -- David Wright, 65, is attempting to sue the prison where he is being held in Winipeg because the guards keep him up all night. Wright is in prison because he murdered his fiancée in 1989, and says that the prison guards have deprived him of sleep 509 times in five years. He says that he has suffered permanent headaches, blurred and double vision, loss of balance and depression, all caused by noisy guards.[PB]

CAMBRIA IN REVIEW, November 20, 2002.

LONDON. "CAN THE CORNISH SHAKE THINGS UP OR CAN THEY!?" That was yesterday's headlines in every London paper, and undoubtedly a similar sentiment was expressed by our cousins in Wales as well. The recent "elections" of Governor for the Dunein province (and High King of Dumnonia) were shown to be a sham when it was revealed that royal-elect Mr Jocko Cintamurio Romanos of Exeter was party to a little ballot box stuffing and "raising the dead" before elections on Octobre 15. It is estimated that upwards of 15% of the "eligible" voters in Exeter and surrounding hundreds were, in fact, dead. Some of them long dead.

Cintamurio, a longtime provincial Councilman and respected grocer, remained steadfastly quiet and reserved after his landslide election last month. Some papers questioned his taciturnity, and were those astute journalists ever right! It turns out that Cintamurio was far from "unaware of any misconduct," as he stated from his cell in Little Towers, but that he was at the very heart and centre of a well planned elections fraud intended to put himself in the Governorship of the province. The Justinian has moved to charge Cintamurio with several counts of elections fraud including the use of the names of dead people in stuffing the ballot boxes in his favour.

A second election was called by the Tinners Senate for Novembre 1st, which was won by longtime underking of Durrow, Caratheck fitz Mynnig. No frauds were detected in this second election, and fitz Mynnig was duly crowned "Gereint ix" by the Patriarch at Glastonminster this Friday the 15th of Novembre, 2002 at noon in a remarkably pompous affair for a land whose kings haven't reigned over an independent country in more than a thousand years.

What have stunned the whole of Britain and France beside were the events of Sunday, the 17th, when fitz Mynnig appeared at the cathedral church in Dol (Brittany) and was crowned by Breton bishop Pensant before the cheering congregation of more than two thousand.

News spread quickly and the whole duchy was in an uproar of celebration by Sunday noon. The ineffectual duke, representative of the French government in the duchy, the illustrious Msr. Jean-Marc Grandsire issued an immediate order to all police to put a stop to the "antigovernment protests". The order was ignored by local police chiefs, several of whom were seen to take part in the late afternoon revelries.

French officialdom, not known for speedy or decisive action at the best of times, waited until this morning to issue a protest to the Crown of Cambria. The French president expressed outrage at this most recent insult to sovereign French territory. REVIEW contacted several Kemrese Senators earlier this morning, who expressed little more than amusement that the French could be so energised over the antics of some "rustic Provincials". Senator le Galés from Glastein quipped: "What do you expect? They get excited over little things like a poor snail harvest."[PB]


With the unexpected death of Marcus viij Castrabruglio, High King of Dumnonia and Rheithur of Dunein in late August of this year, an election was called by the Tinners Senate for October 15th. The results have been tabulated and of the seventeen eligible candidates standing for the position, the victor acclaimed by the Senate this morning is one Jockow Cintamurio Romanos of Esca, a local grocer and longtime member of the Provincial Council. He is expected to be crowned at midmonth this Samon in the cathedral church at Esca. M Cintamurio has declined all requests for interviews and refuses to discuss even the smallest details of his landslide victory.

Certain persons have come forth, on condition of anonymity, claiming that this unusual taciturnity in the usually glib Cintamurio is a sure sign of some shady dealings. One source, which this reporter met behind a darkened pub in Esca, handed over a plain envelope but fled the scene before any questions were asked. Upon opening the envelope, several Electoral Records were folded up inside. Each was from the Sixth Cantreb near Glastein and showed identical voter names with quite different signatures.

The rapidity of allegations will be sure to open a Court of Investigation to look into voting records from around the Province. The Bureau of the Provincial Justinian refused to comment, saying that they had not gotten word of any such allegations. [PB]


Early this morning, the Province was shocked to hear of the unexpected death of their High King, Marcus viij Castrabruglio of Pensang. Castrabruglio reigned for seventeen years, having succeeded Constantine xxij Matamoros-Jowanes in the black winter of 1985. Castrabruglio is ex of the Royal Navy (Capt.) and taught maths for several years at St. Perrans University. Having made his fortune at the hippodromes of the Principality, he went into horse breeding and was part owner of several rugby and football sides.

Funeral arrangements have not been finalised yet, though his majesty is to lie in state at Glastein for the fortnight. The Senate is expected to call for an election somtime this comming month. [PB]


A Sant Yvés businessman has appealed a court decision made against him after he was ordered to pay £10/- and threatened with a jail sentence for a parking offence.

Mr Constantine Gouilliames pled guilty at court in Truro to parking longer that the permitted time - outside a customers house in Sant Yvés; but explained that he was on business and wasn't able to move his van out of the lane.

When he learned that his visit to court would cost him a £6/8 fine and £3/4 in court costs, Mr Gouilliames opinied to the bench.

He said he would most certainly appeal the fine but as he left the court he said: "You shouldn't be doing the job that you are doing because this is not a fair decision."

Mr Gouilliames, 49, who runs an emergency plumbing firm, told the Correspondant that he chose to appeal his third parking fine in two months: "It's not about the money. I am here to make my point. It is costing me a damn site more money than a fine to come here today. The parking situation in that part of Sant Yvés is deplorable. There's no room to get more than a handcart around a parked motorcar."

He explained to the magistrates that, as he was a 24-hour emergency plumber, he had no choice but to park his van in the lane outside his customers houses.

He had hoped the magistrates would sympathise with this situation and waive the fine. To his astonishment - they doubled it, and also ordered him to pay court costs. Mr. Gouilliames had refused druidic arbitration, fearing that the local druids would fine him more than a court would.

The magistrates told Mr Gouilliames that while they were sympathetic to his situation, everyone had to obey the law. According to sources, a druid arbitrator would impose a fine of £4/- for such an offense, rather than the £3/4 fine usually meted by the court.

He was given a fortnight to pay his fine. [PB]

La SUL d' Esca, 22 August, 2002.

BILEDUNO. ARGYLES fan Ambros le Galés, 16, of Pontcolen demonstrated just how football crazy he is when he withdrew from a family holiday to Paris so he could watch a match with his chums.

Le Galés told LA SUL that he hasn't missed a game at all this year, and would not miss any at all. To his horror, one game clashed with a Paris holiday planned by his family in October.

His mum couldn't believe he'd choose to watch footy over seeing the sights in France; but his da expressed feigned surprise. "I know he's been mad for the Greens since he was a wee lad," says le Galés's father Patrick. "He was so looking forward to a holiday in France, but this game is scheduled during the only time his mum and me could get away."

John McInnis, executive of the Argyles, said in a telephone interview: "This is absolutely tremendous. We have some of the most loyal fans in the Province. It shows the depth of support for our club hereabouts." The Argyles have decided to grant free passes to Ambros and his mates for as many games as they care to attend next year. [PB]

LA SUL d' ESCA -- 9.AUG.2002 -- Dumnonian Poem Wins at National Bardic Competition

DEWI SAETH -- The winning entry at the 2002 Bardic College's competitions this week in Dewi Saeth was penned by Esca local Constantine P. Rodrigues. It won first prize for use of the fewest letters used in a poem; but curiously only second prize in most problematic interpretation. Two of the elder bardic judges, Dewidd ap Iewan and Marcus Ffereir, come to blows over their respective interpretations of the poem, however. Ffereir was treated in hospital and is expected to make a full recovery, having been given a smart whack from ap Iewan's staff of office.

The poem in question is untitled, and runs thus:


The troubles come largely from the poem's lack of punctuation and accent marks. It can be variously translated as:

Falling in love - the enlivening herb!
To be in love - the bitter herb!
Bitter love! on to suicide!
Spicy-hot love! leads to marriage!

The Kerno words that caused all this trouble are amar, a verb which means "love"; am-ar, a compound preposition that generally means "around", "to", "towards", "on to"; ámar, an adjective that means "bitter", "spicy", "pungent", "sweet", or a noun that means "smelling salts"; ram, a noun that connotes branchiness, meaning "branch", "stick", "gallows" (ram y gigges), "maypole" (ram l' amur), "weed or herb".

Rodrigues would not provide a definitive interpretation, and seemed curiously pleased that "two lovers of poetry should have a falling out over the poetry of love".[PB]

BBC News/Commentary release, Kemr, Friday July 12, 2002.

TREWRO - The results are in, and the numbers are not encouraging. St. Perran's University Department of Linguistics have released the most comprehensive study of the languages in the Province in half a century: "Ystatus le Cante: il Moranz le Nusteor Cante" (State of the Language: the Death of Our Language). In 1942 the University published the first great study of Provincial linguistics, called "Ystatus le Cante: il Futeors le Cante en sew Prouencea" (State of the Language: the Future of the Language in its own Province). In those days, hopes were high that Kerno would stage a cultural revolution and upstage the Brithenig language that had become entrenched in the eastern half of the Province since the 10th century or so.

To the disappointment of many, Kerno has not striven forward as academia and Government had hoped in the 1940s. To the contrary, the dialect boundary - that imaginary line that separates speakers of one language from another - has rapidly moved to the west over the last fifty years. Philologists from St. Perran's state that the line now runs a mere twenty miles from the capital and is advancing westwards.

As revealed in "Ystatus", nearly 70% of the Province's population speak Brithenig in one form or another. The largest block speak the Paesan dialect; a few speak 'Sorbadú', which is an idiosyncratic form of Paesan. An increasing number of people speak what they call 'Kernou Brou', or Kerno of the Province. This regional variety of Brithenig, with liberal sprinkling of Cornicisms, is rapidly gaining prominence in the center and south of the Province.

"What's the deal?" ask many northern Kemrese. The matter may not be of import on a national level, but locally, the political situation could explode into a new series of rioting. Currently, the Executive is split evenly amongst the four Kingdoms. The vast majority of Brithenig speakers live in Belgeow; the rest of the populace - the Kerno speakers - reside in the more sparsely populated Kingdoms of Dewrow, Dunnow and Kernow. Thus, representation in the Senate and in the Executive is disproportionately in favour of the true Kerno speaking population. "Ystatus" shows that the vast majority of the populace has only a cursory knowledge of the Province's official language; analysts agree that as Kernou Brou expands its influence, this situation will swing over leaving true Kerno speakers in the political minority.

"Ystatus" predicts that between 2010 and 2030 the true Kerno will only be spoken in the West and in a few islands in the rest of the Province. While the current Government have spent no little effort in finally doing away with the petty bickering of the Language Boards - and in the process have given the Province a standard language; the move is essentially half a century too late. Since last year when the new standard was announced, the Executive have made no real plans to implement the new language standard into the education curricula of the Province; and no efforts at all have been made to promote the new language in the east. At best, the new Kerno will die right alongside the old somewhere in the West. The only thing that remains to be seen is whether it will die in our children's lips or in their children's lips. [PB]

From the Arvorec Broadcasting Company's Internal Affairs Correspondant Paedryc Calad. Sunday, February 24, 2002.

KING ADEANAD MURDERED BY WIFE - King Adeanad III of Ceyser was murdered last night in the Royal Palace by his wife, Queen Gwemeth. The Queen was found walking around the palace at dawn, holding a bowl full of the King's blood, screaming incoherently. The King himself was later found in his bedroom with his throat cut. The Queen's sacrifical knife, retained from her days as Assisstant Chief Druidess of Cadwodhew, was found on the bloodstained carpet. It was immediately obvious that the queen had "sacrificed" her husband in honour of the Pagan Festival of Cadwodhew, which took place yesterday. Although forensic experts were called in for completeness sake, the Queen has been sent back to the Nevyd Uchelled on Serch, to be locked up and cared for by her fellow priestesses.

The King's funeral has yet to be scheduled, yet the Drwyth Uchellaf is expected to officiate, despite his recent battle with cancer. King Adeanad, who unfortunately died childless is expected to be succeded by his brother, Prince Maeran. Prince Maeran was on an official trip to Waren in Jelbedetz when the unfortunate news broke. [DJ]

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